Onamara’s Story:Esoteric Whispers

She's There..In My Dreams

She's There..In My Dreams

“Well, Nastasia, judging by your results from your last examination it seems that the depression is getting better. Tell me; do you think this is from the medicine you were prescribed, or have you made changes in your personal life that you think may have reduced some stress and perhaps helped with your depression?”

Nastasia looked down at her worn tennis shoes and bit her lower lip as she considered the question. “Well, I think the pills have helped,”she began slowly,”but I’m not really sure if that’s why the results came back that way. I mean, I haven’t even had the time it would take to be depressed, what with my studies and considering which college I’ll be going to next year. So maybe it’s just that I’ve been preoccupied. I guess that’s a good thing..considering.”

“Yes, Nastasia, I would have to agree,” responded Dr. Marie Morris. “I’m glad that you have so many things on your plate now, even though I’m sure you’re not. But tell me, is there something on your mind today? I know you have a lot going on in your life, and this all is probably very important to you..You just seem…Well, it seems to me that there’s something you’re not telling me.”

Nastasia closed her eyes tightly, fighting back a wave of emotion that had suddenly overcome her. The dreams were more intense as of late, and Nastasia felt foolish to take them so seriously. They were just dreams, that’s what she told herself every night when she awoke in a sweat with tears running down her face and vital fluids dripping from her palms from apparently digging her nails into her flesh. Now she looked into her therapist’s eyes to speak the truth, pushing back the fear of appearing childlike in the face of something that may seem so petty.

However, the words failed to come, and Doctor Morris looked back down at the papers she held in her hands. She waited patiently for Nastasia to find the courage to go on, and when she finally did, Doctor Morris would be haunted by her words for eternity. Years later, when someone would come to her, speaking of terrible dreams and visions, she’d always picture Nastasia’s tormented eyes as she spilled forth the confession that would send her on a chase, a hunt, around the world, searching for the truth.

“In my dreams, I see her, all in white and bloody. She looks at me. She cries…no, she wails. She reaches a hand out to me and every time, I am afraid of her. Her face is never clear..just a blur with features that remind me of my own…but other than that, I cannot make her out. She calls me by my name, but..well, but it’s not my name. She calls me..something, someone else..I can’t remember..but in my dreams, I know it’s my name she’s calling, and each time she says it, there’s this wrenching feeling in my gut..It spreads to my heart, like a physical pain, and she begins to tear at her clothes and rip out her hair…all the time yelling my name and screaming and crying..And then, this man comes from behind her. He looks like an angel, with golden hair and soft blue eyes, and he lays a hand on her shoulder. He tells her that she has to let go and move on, but she won’t stop crying. She won’t leave me.She never will. And as she cries, I know..I know who she is, and I know I’m supposed to remember..but I don’t know. How can I? I don’t know who I am, and it makes her angry. Her anger fills me up, makes me feel guilty..and the depth of her rage..well, it scares me. I don’t know her, so I can’t love her..and she’s my mother…and I just don’t know her…”

Nastasia began to talk in circles, constantly repeating “I don’t know her”..Doctor Morris sat stunned by the horrific look in her patient’s eyes. Speechless, she could not find the words to calm Nastasia. It was as though a madness had overcome her. Time passed in a warped reality, until suddenly the clock tolled. Embarrassed, Nastasia snapped her mouth closed and Doctor Morris stood.

“Nastasia, please write in your journal tonight. I’d also like you to write in it if you have the dream again. You have to be able to express yourself. You know that journal is for you, and you alone. I’m so sorry to have to end our session this way, but…..” Nastasia nodded her head in understanding. “No, no Doctor Morris..seriously, I’m alright. I just got a little caught up there for a moment.” Nastasia laughed shakily and forced a smile. “See ya next week, yeah?” Hurriedly, Nastasia left the therapist’s office and rode her bike back home. The whole way, she occupied her mind with trivial thoughts, like what would be for dinner…where they’d go to pick their Christmas tree..what she’d wear to school tomorrow.

*****

“Catherine, I’m really not trying to alarm you”, said Doctor Morris. “I’m only telling you this because she deserves to know, and I promised you and your husband that I wouldn’t say a word of it until the both of you thought it was the right time. I’m telling you, Catherine…now is the time. She’s 17, for goodness sake! Don’t you think that’s old enough?”

“Marie..I can’t. No..I just can’t do it. I mean I’ll discuss these dreams she’s been having with Fred and see what he thinks, and if he thinks we should tell her, then fine, but I can’t be the one to do it. I don’t even know how things got this far when all I did was give her the journal!” “Fear of the unknown, perhaps. What you don’t know can be scarier than what you do know, and all she knows without a doubt is that she had a mother, other than you, and her life was taken in a cruel fashion. You should tell her the whole story, now, before things get worse with her. She’s already suffering from depression..stress..anxiety..and now these dreams..”  “If I’d known the journal would cause this much anguish in her life, I’d never have given it to her, Marie.”  “I know, Cat..but what’s done is done, and you know she’s not just a patient, not to me. You and Fred have been my close friends for years, and I can’t help but to feel for her. Please. I think this is the only way out, no matter how painful it is. Come on, Cat..She sees her in her dreams.”

***

Nastasia looked down at the words she’d read a thousand times before. It was Tuesday afternoon, and she was supposed to be at the library with Damon studying for the big Chemistry exam. The hot sun caused sweat to pool on her forehead and she wiped it away as she turned the page. The bus was supposed to have arrived already, and Damon would be worried by now..If only she hadn’t left her phone in her locker again, she thought noncommittally. Really, she would have preferred time alone today to study the journal instead of studying Chemistry, and she was almost thankful that the bus was late, giving her time to pour over the pages like she’d been doing since her mother first handed it to her on her 16th birthday. There were so many ripped out pages that Nastasia had to do a lot of guesswork while reading to follow along. Sweat again began to pour, reaching her lashes and blurring her vision, but she strained her eyes to focus on the beautifully scrawled words before her..

When I was diagnosed with cancer I hid it from everyone, even your father. It was not until we were married that I finally told him. As the sickness progressed your father never left my side. He was a good husband and my best friend through it all. The treatments took a lot out of me, but in the end they worked..It seemed a higher power looked down on us when shortly after my body began to heal I found out I was pregnant with you..

But then the doctors told me what a risk I’d be taking….


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~ by Daylilypetals on 11/26/2009.

One Response to “Onamara’s Story:Esoteric Whispers”

  1. Hi Lilydee,

    I only now got started on Onamara’s story. You’ve been working so hard and there is so much to look forward to.
    I love the beginning. It’s great to read your wonderful prose again! 🙂

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